fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
