What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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