last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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