I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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