I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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