i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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