Will you blow on my dice?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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