ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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