glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
