DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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