I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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