Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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