He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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