It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
