I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
