you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
