yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
