My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
