If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
