Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
