I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
