the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
