i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
