god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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