someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
