i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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