Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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