Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
