You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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