i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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