I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
