She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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