My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
