Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
