does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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