she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
