apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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