Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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