I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
