mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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