I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
