drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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