I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
