Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
