Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
