When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
