I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.