im drinking this country out of the recession.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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