I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I supernannyed him into submission
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Please don't give away my fajitas
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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