life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
