When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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