tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
