I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
