Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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