Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
