Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
